Don’t Throw Stones… 12 Anti-climatic Boss Battles
Boss battles have evolved as games have, and while a game’s dependancy on boss battles can vary from fundamental to redundant, there is nothing worse than being promised a proper fight only to have an interactive cutscene. All build-up and no payoff; these bosses taunt you relentlessly or reveal themselves with such emphasis that one can’t help but expect a battle of wits and reflex, only to be rewarded with a one-hit kill and quick conclusion. Some of these bosses aren’t bad at all, and their unexpected nature has merit, but most of these are simply unwelcome additions that drag down the game they are attached to.
It also goes without saying that this list is full of spoilers.
1. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 – Lieutenant General Shepard
For all of Modern Warfare 2’s insistence that it’s the most relentlessly badass game you’ve ever played, it sure ends on a flat note. Resuming your role from the first Modern Warfare as Soap, you chase the traitorous Lieutenant General Shepherd via high-speed boat – what else were you expecting? An incoherent number of explosions and death-defying stunts later, a shore-side fist fight occurs between Shepard and Price where you lay only meters away holding a single throwing knife that you, of course, pull out of your own body. With careful aim you end Shepard in the most poetic way possible: a bloody knife in the eye. This one-note kill of your short-term nemesis would feel right at home in a slasher film, but after snowmobiling over a canyon, it feels a little bit weak.
2. Goldeneye 007 – Alec Trevelyan
One of the reasons why Goldeneye is one of the better Bond films is because unlike most of Bond villains, Alec Trevelyan (aka 006) is not some heartless, evil mastermind, but he is a bitter small man and a former friend of Bond’s. Alec’s wimpy unheroic nature clashes with the demands of MI6. This is one of the elements that RareWare got spot-on in their progressive video game adaptation. The only thing you ever see Trevelyan do is toss a quip your way before running off dramatically. Eventually Trevalyan’s slow jogging pace and spoiled antics catch up to him on the Cradle mission which has you traversing structures high enough that you may as well not even be attached to earth. Trevelyan flees from you the entire mission, leaving anonymous henchmen to absorb bullets for him. He eventually corners himself on the lowest, smallest platform where he asks “For England, James?” At about this time you should have already put a clip into him which is all it takes to send him leaping off his self-imposed burial site. Bond coolly replies, “No. For me.” Even in writing Bond is one smooth, heartless bastard.
3. Bioshock – Andrew Ryan
Bioshock set itself apart through it’s deep influence from Ayn Rand, George Orwell, and Logan’s Run, although it seems there might be a little Hitchcock in there too. Bioshock’s shocking conclusion to Andrew Ryan’s story ended abruptly and only two-thirds into the game when players were expecting it to be a cinematic end game moment. Similar to how Psycho killed it’s protagonist in the first act and Vertigo solved it’s mystery before the third reel, Bioshock revealed it’s meticulously planned twist long before the game ends and does so through a confrontation with the unseen, but oft-heard antagonist Andrew Ryan. Instead of confronting Ryan in a battle of plasmids and madness, Ryan invites you into his quarters where he actively commands you to murder him with his own golf club; his own tool. Ryan is destroyed by his own creation, but he does so by his own will, rather than be overwhelmed or assassinated by the people who want Rapture for themselves. This extends Ryan’s egotistic nature to the point of true absurdity and extends Ryan to the ranks of the rest of the lunatics undone by their excessive freedom. The player does nothing but watch Ryan die, but unlike most games, this is absolutely necessary: as a mentally controlled test subject, you are helpless to stop your own actions and are forced to watch yourself commit acts against your will. A society built on complete freedom creates a person with none at all.
4. Spider-Man 2 – Mysterio
The console version of Spider-Man 2 had many of the shortcomings of a typical movie tie-in, however it more than made up for it with an enjoyable free roam option and a surprisingly rich sense of humour. In the face-to-face with one of Spidey’s more eccentric enemies, Mysterio, the smoke screen fades and Mysterio is, well, a big dweeb. After an earlier confrontation where Mysterio projects himself as a giant hologram laughing as if he were Oz himself, here Mysterio proves that the man behind the curtain isn’t all he’s cracked up to be. Initially appearing intimidating with a full-screen-width health bar, the fight begins with a comically primitive animation for Mysterio where he slowly waves his hands, timidly throwing threats at Spider-Man. He only requires a single punch to defeat that results in one of the most hilarious climax-curbing cutscenes ever: An unmasked Mysterio pleads for you to not hit him again while the slacker store clerk exclaims, “you rock so hard, Spidey!” Ah, the sweet satisfaction of justice.
5. Super Mario Bros. – Bowser
The boss to end all bosses. But wait, looking back at Bowser now he’s pathetically simplistic. It’s sort of similar to looking back in pity at floppy disks compared to terabyte hard drives. It’s hard to understand how there was any issue with a boss so simple, but Nintendo had it figured out. It wasn’t so much about the challenge as it was about the intimidation. Some of the best games of later generations have followed this concept to great success: the boss doesn’t have to be inherently difficult, it just has to project the illusion of that difficulty on to the player. Bowser’s presence is obvious throughout each entire castle level, you hear him spit fire followed moments later by fireballs whizzing by you the entire level. When you finally emerge at Bowser there are no more obstacles, just you, a pitiful little plumber, and a massive fire-breathing behemoth. Experienced players have come to recognize and take comfort in Bowser’s sense of predictability: a well timed sprint passes right under him; blasting him with fire balls will kill him; or running right into him with a Mushroom gives you enough life to pass him by. To a new player, Bowser epitomizes the level boss, to the experienced he’s just reliable.
6. Final Fantasy VII – Sephiroth
Everyone’s favourite epic showdown is interesting because it’s also a foregone conclusion. In the final moments of Final Fantasy VII, Cloud and co. think they have completed their journey, but they still remain in doubt. Cloud realizes he is the only one who can truly face Sephiroth and to end him for good he needs to leave his friends for one final solo showdown. Built up with all the emotions that have been boiling over the 50+ hours of game time, both Cloud and the player are so immersed in this moment that they are literally untouchable. Sephiroth essentially accepts his defeat when Cloud unleashes the only attack available to him (even if Sephiroth attacks you, Cloud simply counters and finishes him) in a disgustingly vicious overkill. This moment appropriately satisfies the games syrup-thick emotion and struggle that Cloud has endured over the course of the game. Although it’s uninvolving in a traditional sense, it remains one of the most satisfying final battles of the Final Fantasy series.
7. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater – The End
By this point Hideo Kojima is no stranger to meta jokes and tossing down the fourth wall. After the first Metal Gear Solid, gamers became well acquainted with Kojima’s unorthodox sense of humor when Psycho Mantis asked Snake if he “liked Castlevania”. Since then the meta awareness has become more obscure and problematic like it’s nonsensical narrative effect in Sons of Liberty, but Snake Eater played these elements with a much more fun, toss-away manner. “The End” is the most versatile boss in the entire Metal Gear canon with numerous instances and methods of defeating him. Snake can cowardly snipe The End early in the game after a cutscene when the old man is unsuspecting. A reversal on the typical and expected trope where significant NPCs are invincible until the story dictates their exit, The End can be dealt with long before his narrative is supposed to end, adding a hidden flexibility to the story structure that is profound for a game with such weight on plot. If the player does engage in battle with the old soldier however, there are a multitude of ways to defeat him including Kojima’s most cunning self-referential “this is just a video game” moment. Once the battle initiates, if the player quits, enters the PS2 Clock Settings and changes the system clock a few weeks forward, returning to the game will yield unexpected results. Sifting through the tall grass, Snake will discover The End hunched over, dead from old age. If you like your logical canon, The End can be fought like any conventional hide-and-shoot MGS boss, but the more creative will be rewarded by a boss who is the most self-aware since Psycho Mantis, although much less abrasive. The End’s multiple death scenarios play as Kojima’s hidden portrayal of the fragility of age. Even a legendary soldier reaches an age of such vulnerability that he can die anytime, anywhere, even if the script wants him for longer.
8. Gears of War 2 – Lambent Brumak
Astonishingly, after Gears of War ended on a solid note with the decently challenging General RAMM, Gears 2 actually manages to make a giant Brumak a step backwards. Dubbed the Lambent Brumak, the final boss is twice the size of a typical Brumak, setting itself up for high expectations. However, like the concept of the Lambents to begin with, this boss is more tech demo than boss battle. Used to flex the engine’s muscles more than your brains, this boss acts as a defining characteristic of the entire campaign: bigger but not better. Unfortunately, even the most massive and threatening enemies are pointless if you are granted access to a weapon that can pulverize them in a matter of moments. Armed with the Hammer of Dawn the beast collapses after a couple hits, which really undermines the game’s entire concept of struggle against such a brutal adversary when said adversary is nothing more than an ant under a magnifying glass.
9. Earthworm Jim 2 – Bob The Killer Goldfish
Earthworm Jim’s Bob the Killer Goldfish is the epitome of the game’s rich humor. In the previous game, Bob just sort of sat there and allowed Jim to knock him out of his bowl. This time around Bob has a fairly epic build up animation in the vain of Mega Man scrolling and unlocking boss doors that reveal Bob once again in his bowl. Jim then half-heartedly plucks him out and eats him. A space worm eating a fish, yep, that was 1996 alright.
10. F.E.A.R. – Alma
Alma isn’t really a last boss in the homogenized sense, sure she intimidates you throughout the game but antagonists are never little girls, there has to be something or someone above her. With F.E.A.R. this is not the case, Alma is it. As her incomprehensible past is revealed, she begins to navigate down the hallway towards you as she has done many times before, only this time bullets will actually hurt her. There is no strategy, only a seemingly impossible-to-lose shooting range sequence that abruptly takes you outside for a hasty resolution. There is barely enough time to even register an “Um… what?”
11. Fable II – Lucien
Lionhead has made a name for themselves as the big-promise-little-payoff developer of the industry. Each of their games have been perfectly adequate, sometimes great, but they have never been as good as Lionhead has promised them to be. As if to make it a theme of Fable II, another of Lionhead’s experiments in pre-release hype and hyperbole, the finale boss Lucien (who murdered your sister and left you for dead) seems like the kind of boss who should be a tough adversary. He is knowledgeable in dark magic, has made a career out of killing off legendary heroes, and has harnessed an army of darkness. But I guess logic dictates this world of magic powers, therefore it makes sense that Lucien would get killed by a single gunshot by either you or your ally. Either way there is no epic showdown of Luke vs. Vader proportions. It’s just Lionhead executing an extended fart expression.
12. Batman: Arkham Asylum – Scarecrow
Batman: Arkham Asylum found a rare, unusual balance between simplicity and satisfaction in it’s combat. Although extremely simple and repetitive, it packed a visceral punch that saved it from ever feeling like a chore throughout the game. However, it’s simplicity had to come at some cost, because even the most pleasing shallow gameplay is still exactly that: shallow. Knocking a gang of thugs unconscious one by one was no problem, but when the big set-piece boss battles emerged, things became problematic. Most of the bosses would base their entire assault on obvious visual or audible clues accompanied by throwing groups of thugs at you to create the illusion of a challenge. As if to distract you with the fun skull cracking of pea-brained enemies, the game hoped to make you ignore the redundant boss battles. The bosses were such a problem that for Scarecrow, they didn’t even bother giving him an attack at all. Scarecrow functioned more as his own level, where he would periodically send Batman into a trance with his hallucinatory gas, beginning the games most memorable sequences where bizarre events would begin without any forewarning to the player. The unorthodox model of Scarecrow’s sequences unfortunately led to a direct confrontation with Scarecrow in his own domain. As a giant standing in the middle of a donut made of pieces of Arkham in some sort of netherworld that looks like a mix of Nightmare on Elm Street and Beetlejuice, Scarecrow merely looks around for you in predictable patterns, his eyes acting as spotlights which initiates an unmemorable hide-and-seek stealth segment towards a spotlight which requires Batman to merely shine towards Scarecrow and for some reason drains him of his power. There might be some symbolic reasoning there, but it’s a bit too loopy to consider. This segment appears in all three Scarecrow encounters and never acts as more than a showy piece of lighting and shadows display. To top it all off, Scarecrow bites the dust before a real fight which could have opened the doors to plenty of boss potential.